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Valentine’s Day is opportunity to make up for past wrongs

As long as guys keep screwing up, there will always be a need for V-Day.

Viewpoints Editor

Published: Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Updated: Thursday, February 13, 2014 13:02

Religions throughout the world observe various traditions to atone for past misbehaviors.

Jews celebrate Yom Kippur through fasting, prayer and attending synagogue.

Catholics have the sacrament of reconciliation, where one confesses his sins to a priest and receives absolution. For Christians more broadly, Good Friday serves this purpose with fasting and reflection on Jesus’s sacrifice on the cross.

Hindus in India bathe in the Ganga River on their holiday of Ganga Dussehra to rid themselves of 10 lifetimes of sins.

Valentine’s Day serves a similar, albeit more secular purpose, for men all over America. No matter how much of a loathsome degenerate you’ve been recently, Hallmark and Russell Stover have joined forces to give you a day to make it all up. It’s a consumerist miracle!

Let’s say you spent the latter months of 2013 watching, reading about, attending and discussing football, but you sort of forgot you had a girlfriend most of the time.

Fantasy football champions aren’t born of kissy-faced milquetoasts constantly worrying about trivial stuff like their paramour’s emotional needs.

Guess what, chief? Friday is the day to make it up to her. Take her out to a nice meal and buy her candy and flowers. Thankfully baseball and football are in the boring parts of their off-seasons, so you won’t miss much on the tube.

Maybe your indiscretions aren’t limited to something as harmless as observing football season. Perhaps you’re just a romantic with no need for professional sports.

While in your current relationship you were romantic with that girl you met in the gym, the one from your Spanish study group, and the horny cougar you picked up that one Friday back in September at the Fox, who got so shitfaced and subsequently hung-over on long islands, she forgot to go to Bearkat Family Weekend with her daughter the next day.

Well you can’t spell “tryst” without “try,” so V-Day is the perfect opportunity to try and salvage your relationship, you philandering deviant. I could attempt to give advice on the perfect Valentine’s Day atonement date, but every woman is different so go for something unique to her.

Whatever your past mistakes are, from a careless comment about her weight you made in March that she will never let go, to a string of infidelity, as long as the relationship hasn’t ended, you have an opportunity for a blank slate Friday.

If love isn’t all about consistent fuck ups and wholesale bribery to undo the damage, then maybe I’ve got a lot more to learn.

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