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Tailor your Facebook to fit potential lovers

Staff Reporter

Published: Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Updated: Tuesday, February 19, 2013 00:02

Colin Harris | The Houstonian

Colin Harris | The Houstonian

In the hustle and bustle of social networking, it’s hard to get noticed by potential love interests. With little variety, Facebook profiles all start to blend together.

You might believe your "Destination: Destin- SB 2012, bitchezzz" photo album provides a unique and compelling visual account of a week you hardly remember, yet won’t ever forget. In reality, it’s just like everybody else’s Spring break albums: a bunch of douchebags donning swimwear and Darque tans, mugging for the camera while getting shit-faced at the beach.

The same can be said for the things you "like" on the site. Naps, Harry Potter, Jesus Christ and Coldplay. C’mon, who doesn’t like those things? Snape and Satan. That’s it.

Obviously we’re all young and have overlapping interests, but that doesn’t mean your Facebook profile need be as dull as the rest. There are a myriad of ways to tweak your profile and leave a lasting impression when you finally "friend" that fine piece of ass from your biology study group three semesters ago.

First, quit posting and getting tagged in photos with same-sex friends who are obviously better-looking than you. This won’t make your profile any more interesting, but it’s important that the person you’re trying to woo is genuinely interested in you and not a threesome with two of your hot friends. If you make sure you’re surrounded by a gaggle of hideous misfits in all your Facebook photos, your prospective partner will have little choice but to notice your comparative hotness.

"But Colin," you might counter, "all my friends are way hotter than I am." Doesn’t matter. Find a homely fucker somewhere on campus, sneak in for an unexpected photo together and never cross paths again. Though it might make you initially feel like a sociopathic asshole, your pangs of conscience will fade with time. For me, it comes so naturally that whenever I see someone bust out a camera at a party, I immediately make my way over to the corner where all the grotesque outcasts are huddled just to be safe.

Once your entire photo collection features an array of slack-jawed, mouth-breathing inbreds who belong on a TLC show, you might wonder what to do with the written components of your profile. The easiest way to stand out is to "like" a shit-ton of interesting hobbies and activities that cater to the type of person you’re trying to attract.

If you happen to actually enjoy any of them in real life, lucky you. With tons to choose from the point is to make sure they’re not necessarily things you like, but what your crush wants their ideal lover to like.

Some suggestions for guys include upper-body workouts, The Avett Brothers, going to the park, performing oral sex, "Grey’s Anatomy" and art museums.

For women, go ahead and "like" lower-body workouts, The Coen Brothers, going to the lake, performing oral sex, "Breaking Bad" and music festivals.

The last thing you should consider is also the most social aspect of Facebook: status updates. Again, the focus isn’t on your own thoughts and feelings but what you think your soon-to-be date wants you to think and feel.

Ladies, instead of posting, "Can’t wait for the new Real Housewives!" go with "Can’t wait to go buy more lacy lingerie!" Remember, the sluttier the status, the more likely Mr. Right is to notice your efforts.

Guys might want to write, "Shitty day, gonna go jam some Kendrick Lamar and crash." Change it up and type, "Shitty day, gonna go jam some Mumford and Sons and crash, dreaming about giving massages to women with no expectations for sex afterward." She’ll be smitten with lustful desire.

Successful writers know what their audience wants. So too should successful Facebookers. Your profile needs to be more projection than reflection for it to be an effective seduction tool. If all else fails, there’s never a bad time to post nude photos in your mobile uploads. I know, I know, it’s against the terms of use and might get you banned but if your timing’s perfect, that secret crush will see the full-frontals before they’re taken down and consequently make a move to see your naked body in person.

Just kidding.

You don’t need to lie about yourself or change yourself to find a lover, especially on the Internet. If you took what I said seriously, shame on you for not catching on sooner.

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