On the road again: What to know before a road trip

Those of you who are currently contemplating suicide will be relieved to know that spring break is within arm’s reach. If that’s your sort of thing then consider it a breath of fresh air. If not then you can be certain everyone else will enjoy themselves immensely in memory of you.

Among the festivities are sure to be more than a few road trips. However, one must tread lightly when organizing a proper road trip, whether it is a trip to Galveston, New Orleans or that great unknown afterlife.

Before hitting the open road, bear in mind that any journey requires the proper preparation; a process that can be a little trickier than it may seem. Packing right requires the perfect balance of practicality, ingenuity and foresight.

When venturing off the usual path, where you will be sure to encounter any number of hooligans, ruffians and insurgents, self-defense is a must. For this I would recommend the P90 submachine gun (equipped with sound suppressor and full metal jacket rounds) and your personal preference in ground-to-air missile launchers.

This will ensure that you are well equipped both in the inevitable close quarter confrontations and guarded from the possibility of attack by any hostile aircraft. Also, I find that the P90 balances quite well on bags of chips and wobbly coolers.

Chips and coolers being the perfect segue into the next most important aspect of a road trip, sustenance. On that note--under absolutely no circumstances are you to actually bring chips and coolers (the one exception being Fritos and Doritos, which are flammable and can serve as emergency kindling). Instead, I would recommend homemade hardtack, traps to catch small game, several gallons of water and one luxury food item. Luxury foods items may be any of the following: a salt shaker, sugar cubes or additional hardtack.

Understand that although you may have completely prepared for all foreseeable obstacles, adversity comes in many unexpected forms, all of which are best countered with even more preparation. A road atlas, social security card, additional phone batteries, tire chains, lubricated condoms ("His Pleasure" only - don’t be a hero), a flare gun, fire axe, suicide pills and an unsigned presidential letter of pardon are all invaluable weapons against the hidden dangers of American highway system.

Now, the realists among you may have taken issue with some of what has been said thus far. Rest assured, I would not give such public advice had I not put much thought into it and have every intent on simply being honest with readers for a moment.

That honesty is this: Most importantly, be prepared to never reach your destination. In the event of sudden, unexpected death the wisest of us would have no worries as to what we leave behind, having already put forth the proper precautions.

Before departing on your road trip, make certain that you have written a legally binding last will and testament. Make sure to leave any pets with at least two weeks’ worth of food and water and seek out computer programs that will delete your internet history upon your death. You can never be safe enough.

Second most important -- have fun and don’t underestimate the dangers ahead. Knowing is half the battle but preparation is half of the victory.