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North Korean nuclear tests are nothing but bark

Staff Reporter

Published: Thursday, February 7, 2013

Updated: Thursday, February 7, 2013 00:02

Taylor Likens | The Houstonian

Taylor Likens | The Houstonian

Kim Jong Un, ruler of North Korea and Porky Pig look-alike, recently declared a new era aggressiveness against the United States, which he assures us is nothing like any of their past eras of aggressiveness. This time, much to the dismay of the international community, North Korea has taken the first few steps towards walking the walk with a series of nuclear missile tests and blatant threats that their missiles are “aimed at” the United States.

Of course this was hardly crazy enough. Not to be outdone by their own past eccentrics, the North Korean media uploaded a video to YouTube that some (me) have called “the infallible masterwork of modern cinema.” The video—which has somehow been misinterpreted as hostile—depicts a Korean man peacefully dreaming of the sweet, fiery destruction of Manhattan Island to the tune of “We Are the World,” featuring visuals from Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3. The video was later removed on account of copyright infringement.

On a side note; there was not a single joke in the above paragraph. Look it up.

Apparently having forgotten that this is the sort of charade North Korea pulls just about every other week, many Americans found themselves suddenly nervous at the thought of confrontation with the idiots of the East. Rest assured when making a list of things that are worth fearing, North Korea should probably land somewhere between the Amish and aggressive hamsters.

A direct attack on the U.S. is not advisable for a nation whose economic strength and military might is roughly that of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. Phrases such as “suicide mission” fail to describe how self-destructive any acts of legitimate hostility would be for North Korea.

Be that as it may, the real concern lies not in North Korea itself, but their alliances. A war with North Korea could, on paper, potentially result in the United States butting horns with China. The Korea/China alliance, however, has about as much reliability as anything else built in North Korea. As time passes, it becomes ever more obvious that China would abandon North Korea should push come to shove.

In 2010 the notorious Wikileaks released a document detailing China’s willingness to support a unified Korea, under the condition it would be ruled by the South Korean government. The year before, China’s vice foreign minister was quoted as having said that North Korea behaved like “a spoiled child” to gain American attention. Meanwhile, in light of recent events, Hua Chunying of the Chinese foreign ministry announced that China will “oppose any behavior… not beneficial towards the denuclearization of the Korean peninsula.”

You see, whether they’re an honest, red-blooded American or a godless robo-communist Chinaman, pretty much nobody has much interest in starting a third world war. There isn’t really much for either nation to gain, it’s bad for the global economy and can be hell to get out of the carpet. Not to mention the fact that China and the United States are so economically codependent that a war between them would be as reasonable as Siamese twins attempting to murder one another (hilariously).

Ultimately not much has actually changed. North Korea isn’t any more insane than it’s ever been and the United States is no more vulnerable to them. North Korea is still just the fat kid hiding atop the jungle gym, wailing across the playground about how his imaginary friends are going to beat us all up one day.

I learned a phrase recently and have been waiting for some time to use it. Now I can.

Calm yo tits, ladies and gentlemen. Calm yo tits.

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12 comments

Anonymous
Fri Feb 8 2013 09:05
Very funny jokes and great writing.
Anonymous
Thu Feb 7 2013 19:28
I suspect many who have commented today are North Korean.
Alicia Hicks
Thu Feb 7 2013 18:26
P.S. So glad the kings of the craft could stop by and tell you how to write your articles. How modest of them to mingle amongst the common folk.
Alicia Hicks
Thu Feb 7 2013 18:25
So here I am to comment on this lovely article, that shows exemplary beyond the bounds of a box journalism. I sure hope noone has commented here about picturing the writer laughing at his own witticisms, whilst laughing about THEIR own witticisms. Oh....oh no.

Great article, nice to see someone pushing the lines.

Taylor Likens
Thu Feb 7 2013 17:37
Though I will accept and consider any criticism readers may have, I will go out of my way to address complaints when I feel they are the result of misunderstandings or things simply out of my power. In this case, it should be noted that the way my photo is displayed on the website is completely out of my hands. Though I highly disagree with them, all other complaints are welcomed.
Anonymous
Thu Feb 7 2013 15:48
This article would do better as a forum post or a blog than genuine journalistic commentary. The whole thing reeks of childish self-importance. One imagines the writer (whose face took up more than half of the article space) chuckling to himself as though he is the wittiest person he knows as he types up the last line.
Anonymous
Thu Feb 7 2013 15:30
"Calm yo Tits"? - Wow, the future is looking good for you. I really hope you're good at something else.
Anonymous
Thu Feb 7 2013 14:25
"and Porky Pig look-alike" - yeah, try not to do that when you have a real job. Poor, poor journalism.
Anonymous
Thu Feb 7 2013 11:29
Worst article ever? Eh, I thought it was really good. Made me laugh while still stating the truth of matters.
Anonymous
Thu Feb 7 2013 11:14
Worst article ever
Anonymous
Thu Feb 7 2013 10:52
childish idiotic commentary. C'mon Houston, you can do better
Anonymous
Thu Feb 7 2013 09:36
You kidding me? China doesn't want them anymore.




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