North Korean nuclear tests are nothing but bark
Published: Thursday, February 7, 2013
Updated: Thursday, February 7, 2013 00:02
Kim Jong Un, ruler of North Korea and Porky Pig look-alike, recently declared a new era aggressiveness against the United States, which he assures us is nothing like any of their past eras of aggressiveness. This time, much to the dismay of the international community, North Korea has taken the first few steps towards walking the walk with a series of nuclear missile tests and blatant threats that their missiles are “aimed at” the United States.
Of course this was hardly crazy enough. Not to be outdone by their own past eccentrics, the North Korean media uploaded a video to YouTube that some (me) have called “the infallible masterwork of modern cinema.” The video—which has somehow been misinterpreted as hostile—depicts a Korean man peacefully dreaming of the sweet, fiery destruction of Manhattan Island to the tune of “We Are the World,” featuring visuals from Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3. The video was later removed on account of copyright infringement.
On a side note; there was not a single joke in the above paragraph. Look it up.
Apparently having forgotten that this is the sort of charade North Korea pulls just about every other week, many Americans found themselves suddenly nervous at the thought of confrontation with the idiots of the East. Rest assured when making a list of things that are worth fearing, North Korea should probably land somewhere between the Amish and aggressive hamsters.
A direct attack on the U.S. is not advisable for a nation whose economic strength and military might is roughly that of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. Phrases such as “suicide mission” fail to describe how self-destructive any acts of legitimate hostility would be for North Korea.
Be that as it may, the real concern lies not in North Korea itself, but their alliances. A war with North Korea could, on paper, potentially result in the United States butting horns with China. The Korea/China alliance, however, has about as much reliability as anything else built in North Korea. As time passes, it becomes ever more obvious that China would abandon North Korea should push come to shove.
In 2010 the notorious Wikileaks released a document detailing China’s willingness to support a unified Korea, under the condition it would be ruled by the South Korean government. The year before, China’s vice foreign minister was quoted as having said that North Korea behaved like “a spoiled child” to gain American attention. Meanwhile, in light of recent events, Hua Chunying of the Chinese foreign ministry announced that China will “oppose any behavior… not beneficial towards the denuclearization of the Korean peninsula.”
You see, whether they’re an honest, red-blooded American or a godless robo-communist Chinaman, pretty much nobody has much interest in starting a third world war. There isn’t really much for either nation to gain, it’s bad for the global economy and can be hell to get out of the carpet. Not to mention the fact that China and the United States are so economically codependent that a war between them would be as reasonable as Siamese twins attempting to murder one another (hilariously).
Ultimately not much has actually changed. North Korea isn’t any more insane than it’s ever been and the United States is no more vulnerable to them. North Korea is still just the fat kid hiding atop the jungle gym, wailing across the playground about how his imaginary friends are going to beat us all up one day.
I learned a phrase recently and have been waiting for some time to use it. Now I can.
Calm yo tits, ladies and gentlemen. Calm yo tits.