Likens: Secession petitioners still hopeful, unrealistic
Published: Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Updated: Tuesday, November 27, 2012 00:11
With the election several weeks behind us, one would think that the dust had settled on the resulting rants and bitterness; one would be wrong. The tantrums continue, with the most notable/hilarious being the residents of all 50 states that have decided to take their ball and go home. Whitehouse.gov is currently host to numerous petitions calling for withdrawal from the United States, and surprisingly, people are still ringing the alarm.
To put these documents into context, understand that Whitehouse.gov also hosts hundreds of other adorable petitions, including a demand that all internet pornography require credit card information, one to ban the circumcision of anyone under 18, and a truly heroic cry to “Nationalize the Twinkie industry.”
Whitehouse.gov. A serious house on serious Earth.
As one might expect, the flagship for this surge in petitions is Texas, with almost 200,000 signatures to date. But could a seceded Texas even function without America?
Perhaps. We stand a better chance than anywhere else, at least. Texas has an extensive power network, several military forts, gulf access and receives some of the least federal aid of any state. On paper, Texas secession actually starts to sound pretty good. However, this paper is then crumpled up and thrown out the window upon realizing that it is still a horrible idea, even if one assumes that politics, economics and logic actually work that way.
This is nothing if not a fantastic example of the loud minority. We see them everywhere, defining our stereotypes, dominating our media, and skewing our perceptions of one another. Despite the attention received by these petitions, very few people could actually finish reading such a proposal without a breaking into laughter.
In fact, several of these states had a popular vote in favor of Pres. Barack Obama, making a popular secession within their borders mathematically impossible. Even some citizens of Texas--who is probably contemplating having “THE STATE THAT CRIED SECESSION” sown into the state flag--can’t muster up a notable margin of support for the movement.
This irrational call to abandon ship is hardly representative of a state that many political analysts are predicting may actually become a swing state by as early as the next election. The only logical explanation is that these signatures are from the residents of other states that just got tired of hearing about Texas secession every other week.
Could Texas Secede? In theory, yes. Will we? Go unpack your things; not anytime soon.
No, we aren’t going anywhere, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I may not always be proud to claim her, but the United States of America has more good days than bad, with a history of correcting her mistakes. Unity is one of the only things that have ever worked out for us, and we’d be fools to forget that. And I mean most of what I just said.
But admittedly, I mostly just find the idea of the elderly, white Bible thumpers in Austin having unquestioned dominion over 25 million people is the sort of thing nightmares are made of.