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Likens: (Democrat/Republican) wins presidential election

Staff Reporter

Published: Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Updated: Wednesday, November 7, 2012 01:11

Provided by Taylor Likens

Provided by Taylor Likens

This article was composed before the results of the election were finalized and the future President of the United States was determined. To update this article, you need only circle what applies.

Yesterday, Americans of every race, age and height were drawn to the voting booths to elect their President. Their voices were heard, and for next four years, the United States government will be helmed by the (Obama/Romney) administration.

Thankfully, we can now all look forward to a fantastic four years of (red/blue) ties.

But not everyone will be sleeping so easily tonight; races this close have the downside of angering just as many people as they uplift. For months, the future was uncertain with candidates knit closely together in the polls, trading places with each minor mistake, a clear winner ever elusive till the very end, not unlike an elaborate game of Connect Four.

Now, with a (Democratic/Republican) regime now set in stone, half of the country is forced to begrudgingly accept the reality of the situation. Among the disgruntled are supporters of (Planned Parenthood/coal industries). America’s first (Black/Mormon) president has spoken harshly of them in the past, which spells out dark horizons for them now that his presidency has been assured.

For some, it may be hard to see how (Obama/Romney) could have possibly won over the nation. There were, after all, some bumps along the way, such as that time he strapped (his dog/the economy) to the roof of his car and took it for an unpleasant spin across the country. Or when his behavior during the first debate in Denver made him look like an (arrogant bully/air-headed buffoon).

Usually I place my support on whichever candidate has the wackiest running mate attached to the ticket--as to insure yet another four years of excellent satire--but in this case, I found the Democrats and Republicans equally matched in their potential for hilarity.

With my usual means of choice rendered mute, I eventually found myself voting for (Obama/Romney) and was pleased to wake to the news that I had been swayed to the winning side just in time. And why, might you ask?

Simple. I did my research.

After educating myself with a quick mixture of Wikipedia, Fox and CNN comment sections, and various bathroom limericks, I was astounded to find that the public despised (Obama/Romney), on account of him being (a nefarious tycoon and flip-flop/Barrack Obama).

Never one to go against the grain when it can be helped, it was merely a hop, skip and a several minutes of waiting in line to come to the conclusion that the America would only be safe nestled in the ever reliable arms of the (Republican/Democratic) party.

Personally, I will be completely ecstatic to have a President that I have (no faith in whatsoever / no faith in whatsoever). With January ushering in (the same old nonsense/a new wave of stupidity), I will gladly sit back and look forward to the coming (Obamacalypse/binders full of disappointment).

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