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Likens: Claims of Sasquatch DNA fail to convince

Staff Reporter

Published: Thursday, December 6, 2012

Updated: Thursday, December 6, 2012 01:12

Provided by Taylor Likens

Provided by Taylor Likens

Because there are just too many reasons to be excited about getting up in the morning, science might have solved yet another of Earth’s lingering mysteries. Just don’t hold your breath, because it’s a pretty big "might."

Texas scientist Melba Ketchum−presumably driven on by her solemn oath to "catch ‘em all"−claims to have salvaged genetic evidence of Sasquatch.

As all great discovers usually do, this somehow involves blueberry bagels. Allegedly the samples were gathered by a Cryptozoologist who used the bagels as bait on her private property. Although she has yet to publish her evidence for cross-examination, Ketchum remains adamant that her evidence is legitimate. If true, this would probably make Ketchum to veterinarians what Indiana Jones is to archeology or Carl Sagan to everything.

Well, kind of. Her company, DNA Diagnostics, currently has an F from the Better Business Bureau, and Ketchum has a history of saying all the wrong things. Those curious why else Ketchum might be worth second guessing, I would direct to Google search "Melba Ketchum + angel DNA." Though arguably taken out of context, having to explain yourself out of any accusations involving angel DNA suggests that you were probably already walking a thin line.

Although I am always hesitant to trust anyone who would abuse pastries in the name of science, it’s really just an eventuality that being a lunatic will get you some results. But even if Ketchum’s evidence checks out, don’t expect that to be the end of anything.

Bigfoot has had a long, eventful history of cat and mouse with science, with believers in such numbers and skepticism so wide that it is unlikely this report will sway the argument of Sasquatch’s existence in either direction.

Assuming that her evidence is actually solid, it is likely that most of the scientific community will remain in denial on account of her lack of credibility and their own sheer stubbornness. If a scientist who can still take out loans finds the evidence to just be a clod moose, goat or Robin Williams, Sasquatch believers may be even more disappointed than they already are.

Nothing less than the buckshot riddled corpse of a great American ape will silence this argument.

Remaining undiscovered, the seductive novelty of Sasquatch sightings has already taken lives. Last August, a man in a Ghillie suit attempted to scare up some Bigfoot sightings only to wind up meeting his end beneath three different cars. Nobody was fooled.

Ladies and gentlemen, let that settle in. Lives are being lost, and we are now given an opportunity that as human beings we have seldom been foolish enough to ignore: a chance to solve our problems with violence. We must rise to this challenge immediately with guns in hand and compassion left at home.

This newfound scientific method can be applied to virtually anything. The great mysteries of the universe will have a hard time running if we simply shoot them on sight.

That is why I, Taylor Likens, offer a $10,000 reward for the body of the Supreme Creator of the Universe. For too long have the great mysteries evaded us.

We must now seek them, destroy them, and give them humiliating scientific names. It is only then that we will be safe.

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