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Justin Bieber difficult to keep track of

Viewpoints Editor

Published: Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Updated: Wednesday, February 5, 2014 23:02

By the time you finish reading this sentence, Justin Bieber may or may not have fatally butchered a child prostitute with a machete in a Bangkok alley during a heroin-inspired fugue state while mourning the death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

Starting an article with a baseless accusation is obviously imprudent, as is writing incessantly about Bieber, but the kid just can’t stay out of the headlines.

If I were to write some pearl-clutching outrage harangue grounded in reality, such as a piece about his abuse of flight staff on his private charter or his quixotic adventure to find a baptism pool in New York City, odds are he would engage in even more ridiculous behavior overnight. By the time this issue made it to campus, my article would no longer be timely, just stale garbage to add to a compost heap.

I only write from experience. Two weeks ago, I decided to shamelessly fish for Houstonian Online page views by covering Biebs’s egg-related vandalism in Los Angeles. Sometime between the article’s online publication and the print version making it to campus, police arrested Bieber for drag racing a rental car in Miami while high on Xanax or something like that.

What the fuck, man? The puerile ass-hat won’t even wait for the ink to dry on countless articles absconding him for the Calabasas egging incident before he decides to allegedly drag race a rental car in Miami while high.

The halcyon days of covering a teenage star’s collapse have long since passed. The Olson twin with the cocaine habit let her benders metastasize fully in tabloid rags before binging again. Nowadays, trying to keep up with the 24/7 Bieber news cycle is akin to taking the same benzodiazepines he apparently does prior to drag racing. Twelve hours after an event, it’s impossible to recall what the spoiled Canuck teen actually did, but you can’t help but feel a pang of guilt about some unforeseen consequences.

At the rate he’s going, Bieber will die young. That’s partially why the guilt develops. The biggest source of regret and shame for me though comes not from the star, but rather his willfully ignorant fan base that make Beatlemania look like an opera crowd. Preteen girls wailing “we love you, Justin!” and “this is the greatest day of my life!” as he’s frog-marched from jail to jail throughout the continent should not be the norm.

It’s one thing to scream and faint when the colored lights are flashing and Bieber is gesticulating around on stage in his sequined finger gloves, crooning about his “baby,” but to elicit the very same reaction by getting booked for donkey punching a limo driver in Toronto is frightening and revolting and any other pejorative you can imagine.

Teenaged girls are going to freak out over performers with a boyish smile because they’re teenaged girls. However these girls all have parental figures in their lives who need to have a heart-to-heart with them. Listening to Bieber’s music, watching his YouTube videos, following his social media and seeing him perform live are all perfectly acceptable levels of Bieber fandom. Getting heart palpitations from the glee of seeing your idol face criminal charges is creepy and not the sort of behavior that should be encouraged.

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