Anonymous “Prison City Confessions” reveal bigotry, depravity of students

All right Bearkats, I have a confession. At the beginning of each semester I make an effort to grab a seat near the best looking girls in my classes. Besides the professor knowing me by name, being surrounded by beautiful women is my greatest motivational tool for good attendance. I’m not all that assertive and terrible at small talk so it’s doubtful I’ll actually strike up a conversation with any of them. This is purely for selfish non-academic reasons.

Wow, it felt great to get that off my chest and I’m not even leaning on the social crutch of internet anonymity. For more than 3,300 students and counting, the Facebook page "Prison City Confessions" exists as a public confessional to anonymously air domestic grievances, expose unrequited love or write racist, homophobic and misogynistic shit no sane person would dare utter publicly.

Let’s take a look at what our peers are thinking, but afraid to say out loud. In order to best preserve the candor of these confessions, I’m keeping the slipshod grammar and spelling errors.

"Regardless of who won the Miss Sam Houston pageant or if you are upset or butt hurt for any reason... One thing is still remains true... Black girls are just not pretty. Lol"

LOL indeed! That’s a real knee-slapper right there! One other thing that "is still remains true" is that racists are just not pretty either, anonymous or not.

"Why the fuck do Lesbians date women that look and act like men? I thought that was the whole point of being a lesbian was to date an actual woman, not some woman who think she’s a man! I also think you bitches should be banned from using dildos you made your choice"

Looks like some greedy horn dog wants all the dildos to for himself. Let’s see if I can get this one straight (ha ha!). Using a dildo on a traditionally feminine girlfriend is A-okay, but as soon as that girlfriend stops shaving her armpits and starts wearing cargo shorts, time to use your fingers. Speaking of manual stimulation, self-pleasure is certainly a hot topic for Prison City Confessions.

"I jerk off in one of the bathrooms in the LSC, back in a corner closest to the door by the fountain. I have gotten semen on the walls and sink twice and I have had (homosexual) sex in that bathroom. If it’s ever locked between 10 and 11 on MWF it’s probably because I’m in there doing some depraved shit. Oh also one time I snorted a fat ass line in that bathroom"

I’m the sort of person who goes through life assuming every public bathroom is thoroughly glazed by a fine film of semen, so not only do I feel vindicated but I’d suggest we quarantine this particular bathroom. Or just burn down the LSC.

Then there are always people who moan and groan about classwork and professors.

"FUCK Dr. Andrist in the Forgin language department! She such a bitch!"

Take it from me, Dr. Andrist, the only language that appears to be "forgin" to this honors student is English. Weeding through all the imbeciles is about the only negative of Prison City Confessions.

Of course the real reason many make submissions to Prison City Confessions is to reach out to missed connections, a la Craigslist. Maybe that person you saw at a bar or on campus but were too afraid to approach is reading PCC, willing to respond to your seductive revelations.

"The really tall guy that works in the Criminal Justice Building is such a cutie!"

You hear that, really tall guy who works in the Criminal Justice Building? Next time you’re over in the Criminal Justice Building working and/or being tall, keep your eyes peeled because your secret admirer may be nearby.

Prison City Confessions is the ultimate time waster and, for some reason, it’s survived for weeks. There’s nothing as enthralling as reading about the pathetic sex lives and bigoted rants of people who may be sitting right next to you in class, making your sandwich at the sub shop or vigorously rubbing one out in the next stall over in that LSC bathroom.