Amish beard shavings threaten mankind
Published: Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Updated: Thursday, February 14, 2013 02:02
Last week, the (almost) ironically named Samuel Mullet was sentenced to 15 years in prison for the unspeakable acts of genocide he committed. The former religious leader of an Ohio Amish community, Mullet experienced a schism within his church that ended with several people abandoning the group. He retaliated by callously stalking and murdering five innocent beards. Along with Mullet, 15 others were also convicted, half of whom were sentenced to five or more years.
Leaving his minions to perform the actual assaults, Mullet had the victims restrained and their beards cut as terrified onlookers were threatened with scissors and electric clippers. For those of you who are not familiar with the Amish, understand that this isn’t the sort of thing their society takes lightly; the prosecution demanded the court give Mullet a life sentence. With beards being symbolic of a man’s devotion to God these assaults qualify as federal hate crimes.
But even greater than a simple hate crime, this shameless display of wickedness is further evidence of America’s War on Beards.
It is indeed a dark time for beards. Once proud declarations of all that is man, they are now met with nothing but insult from the very civilization they helped to build. Perverted by cafe baristas and other effeminate sub-humans, mocked by the childish insincerity of no shave November, ignored by Hollywood’s obsession with squeaky-chested protagonists, it comes as a relief to see our justice system at last showing respect towards these champions of the chin.
But it is far too late to turn back time. Gone are the days of Abe Lincoln, Beowulf and Waylon Jennings. Gone are the days when the only necessary test of a man’s honor was whether or not one could maintain a controlled burn on his jawline. Gone are the days when a noble tribe of citizens and their noble beards can live in peace.
In a way, I suppose it is only natural we would harbor some animosity towards the beard. Decades of an increasingly cushioned lifestyle have softened Americans; perhaps we fear the beard now and what it represents.
We try to hide it. We mask our nervous awe with internet memes and fashionable bastardization but we all know deep down that America has grown to fear the beard, our greatest human asset. Rightfully so? Maybe.
Yes, perhaps we have taken a bold step towards bettering ourselves and righting the wrongs, sending an evil man to his rightful place among the rapists, killers and Pirate Bay users. But the threat is not yet over, ladies and gentlemen. Mullet leaves behind not only the horrific memories and humiliating nakedness but a community of 135 devoted followers.
This is what I propose: The United States must take preemptive military action against Mullet’s remaining followers. Not only in defense of all men’s freedom of religion, but for all men’s freedom of ruggedness. Let us not abandon our friends, for in doing so we will only be abandoning ourselves.
First they came for the Jewish beards and I said nothing because I was not a Jew. Then they came for the communist beards and I said nothing because I was not a communist. Then they came for my beard and there was no one left to speak for me.
Speak, fellow Americans. Speak for your beards.